While I totally appreciate all the assistance and guidance I received from all the specialists I have been to lately, I have come away with a rather large disdain for being a patient. After all the poking and prodding, we've determined that my blood test that showed possible Lyme disease was in fact a false positive. That was welcome news, of course. We've also learned that because my body didn't respond to the steroids, it may be possible that I may or may not have AIED. It turns out AIED is a very broad explanation for progressive hearing loss. There may be something else going on or I might just not be responsive to the only treatment available for the disease right now. Who knows? All I know is that I am exhausted after all the theorizing and testing. I initially wanted to have answers and in the end it turns out that there are far more question marks associated with my hearing than answers. Fortunately, though, for the time being it has stabilized and the tinnitus I was experiencing on prednisone has subsided (I still have it occasionally but fortunately it's not roaring anymore.) That's another point to highlight: prednisone is often used to reduce tinnitus symptoms, in my case they made it worse. I am a medical paradox. And, now, this paradox is swearing off doctors. Which, let me tell you, is easier said than done.
Every one of my doctors has pushed for followups even after giving me a clean bill of health (the rheumatologist found that I'm completely healthy other than my hearing, fortunately, and yet he still wanted to see me in six months.) I have put my foot down. I am not willing to submit myself to more medical appointments other than those with my audiologist. I am done for now. The limbo that these past few months put me through was more than my soul could handle. I am taking control again.
In the meantime, I am now attending Hearing Loss Association of America local chapter meetings. For the first time in my life, I am meeting dozens of people with hearing loss and while the degrees of our hearing loss may vary we understand one another on a level that no normally-hearing person does.
I am also hoping to get a job soon. I have been on an interview and have applied to a few other positions, too.
When I'm not job-hunting, I am trying to focus on self-care both for my body and my spirit. I have read “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” series. I’ve been baking and cooking like crazy. I made maple sugar cookies with pecans twice during the holidays for friends (I snuck a few for myself too) with my Kitchenaid mixer and altered a family recipe for an apple tart to include pears instead (pure heaven on a plate!) I also made a number of my favorite meals for Zack and myself and even my parents and in-laws.
I have also been exercising alot between hot yoga and trips to 24-Hour Fitness in an effort to get more centered again.
I've been knitting a bit, too. Here is my latest creation in progress:
I've since added a wooden handle to the clutch and am now trying to figure out how to insert fabric lining.
This is what I hope for in 2011:
1. Continued health for myself and those I care about
2. I will conquer crow pose in yoga
3. My parents move to the O.C. ends up being as great for them as I hope it will be
4. My hubby and I get to take another fun vacation somewhere in California (Europe will have to wait)
Of course, I also hope I get new hearing aids and a job but fundamentally, I just want to make good memories and grow as a person this year. If I attain these secondary, money-driven goals, I will be just as thankful as I will be when I seethe above list get ticked off one-by-one.
